On Polygyny
On Polygyny
By: Nadirah Angail
image credit: gettyimages/mike kemp
Preface: The views expressed are my own, not those of YRAC.
To stave off any fiery emails from believers convinced I’m “discouraging a sunnah and promoting the ways of the West,” I’ll start with this: Polygyny is the right of the Muslim brother, and it was practiced by our beloved prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him). (I doubt this will work, but I had to at least try.)
A good while back, I sent out a Facebook update asking for suggestions on topics I should write about. It didn’t take long to get a response: “Polygyny,” one sister commented. I kindly ignored her comment and waited on another. It wasn’t personal; I wasn’t trying to be rude. I just didn’t want to get involved in any of the heated arguments this topic always seems to carry in tow. That was more than a year ago, and I still haven’t escaped it.
Backed into a corner, I feel I have no choice but to write my way out. So, here I am dipping my pen in such a taboo inkwell. In my opinion, you have to be delicate with this topic, not because of the controversy surrounding it, but because of its very nature. (Is there anything more intimate and private than a couple’s marriage?) With that understanding, I want to be respectful to everyone—men and women, proponents and opponents— while, at the same time, bringing a bit balance to a discussion that seems to be rife with emotion and tilt.
As I said before, this topic needs a delicate touch, and that seems to be nonexistent in the current conversations (at least those I’ve witnessed). Many Muslims, male and female alike, are heavy-handed in their defense of the practice. Any person who may be looking for nothing more than a better understanding or may, perhaps, find fault with a particular way it was done is often met with an overbearing “IT IS HIS RIGHT! IT IS THE SUNNAH! PERIOD!” Well, can’t argue with you there. It most definitely is the sunnah and, in general, it is his right, but why must the conversation be so abruptly ended there? Let’s go further.
The difficulty of polygyny for the woman
Yes, under certain circumstances, a man has the right to take additional wives (up to 4), but does that mean the addition of another wife must automatically be easy for the first? Men, you will never know what it is like to have to share your wives with another man, but imagine if you did. Imagine how hard that might be to accept. Even Aisha, wife of the Prophet, (may Allah be pleased with her) had issues of jealousy when it came to Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her), who wasn’t even alive at the time.
Narrated ‘Aisha:
I never felt so jealous of any wife of Allah’s Apostle as I did of Khadijah because Allah’s Apostle used to remember and praise her too often and because it was revealed to Allah’s Apostle that he should give her (Khadijah) the glad tidings of her having a palace of Qasab in Paradise. (Bukhari, vol. 7, book 62, number 156)
It was not by mistake or mere chance that Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) felt this way. Allah is in control. He allowed her jealousy to demonstrate the difficulties that even the most righteous woman can have when it comes to sharing her husband with another woman. If one of the best women in Islam was, at times, jealous of the mere memory and mention of another wife, why are we expected to take it so lightly? Are we better than blessed Aisha? I’m not encouraging jealousy, just pointing out the emotional strain that can come along with being a co-wife. Husbands should be understanding of these feelings and not see them as rebellion and defiance.
The type of man best suited for polygyny
Maintaining a happy marriage with one person is a serious task in itself. Adding in other people can make it even harder. It takes a special man to balance the physical, financial and emotional needs of two (or three or four) women. Men often cite that the Prophet had many wives. This is true, but the Prophet was also extremely kind, caring, understanding, empathic and considerate. The Prophet was playful, did housework, and allowed his wives to have their opinions (even if they were against his own).
Narrated Aisha:
That Allah’s Apostle said to her, “I you are pleased with me or angry with me.” I said, “Whence do you know that?” He said, “When you are pleased with me, you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Muhammad,’ but when you are angry with me, then you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Abraham.’ ” Thereupon I said, “Yes (you are right), but by Allah, O Allah’s Apostle, I leave nothing but your name.” (Bukhari, vol 7, book 62. Number 155)
This hadith shows that the Prophet’s wives did, in fact, get angry with him, and he was accepting of that. He didn’t yell at them and demand their blind servitude. He wasn’t disrespectful nor did he treat them as property. He gave them every consideration and allowed them to have a voice. Is this how most men nowadays approach polygyny or do they hasten to take other wives simply because it is allowed, giving little or no consideration to the one already there?
I’ve seen so many hot-tempered, impatient men passionately defending their right to multiple wives. I find it hard to believe these types of men can keep one wife happy, let alone two. Polygyny is an option, not a necessity; therefore, men should consider their own temperament and that of their current wives before getting into additional marriages that may, in the long run, do more harm than good.
Using the Prophet’s example for guidance
If we are to examine the example of the Prophet, then let us truly examine it. For most of his married life, he was in a monogamous relationship with one wife, Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her). For 25 years, he lived peacefully with her as his only companion and took no other wives until after her death. His additional marriages were mostly for social, political, and altruistic reasons, not just because there was a new sister in town.
From this, we can infer that polygyny, while it is a mercy and a safeguard, is not a priority. It is not something a man must to do be a better Muslim, but something he can do if the situation permits. There are times when polygyny is preferred, the most logical choice, but there are also times when it isn’t. For example, if a brother is barely supporting his wife and children, who are just getting by with the help of government assistance, it makes no sense for him to get –or even consider—another wife. That would only increase the burden on his already-strained family. Another example: If a young brother is newly married and still in the “getting to know you” phase with his first wife, he has no business getting into another marriage when the foundation of the first one is still solidifying. Would it not make sense for him to learn how to be a good husband to one woman before he introduces another? And would it not make sense for the second wife to want to marry a man who has already established himself as a quality husband?
Considering the first before choosing the second
Taking another wife doesn’t just affect the man. It affects the first wife and children (if there are any). This new wife is entering into an already existing family. It would be in everyone’s best interest that she were a good fit. It seems some men marry additional wives just because they like them, but do they consider if anyone else will?
Narrated Al-Miswar bin Makhrama:
Ali demanded the hand of the daughter of Abu Jahl. Fatima heard of this and went to Allah’s Apostle saying, “Your people think that you do not become angry for the sake of your daughters as ‘Ali is now going to marry the daughter of Abu Jahl. “On that Allah’s Apostle got up and after his recitation of Tashah-hud. I heard him saying, “Then after! I married one of my daughters to Abu Al-’As bin Al-Rabi’ (the husband of Zainab, the daughter of the Prophet) before Islam and he proved truthful in whatever he said to me. No doubt, Fatima is a part of me, I hate to see her being troubled. By Allah, the daughter of Allah’s Apostle and the daughter of Allah’s Enemy cannot be the wives of one man.” So ‘Ali gave up that engagement… (Bukhari, vol 5. book 57, number 76)
Regardless of how capable Ali may have been of caring for two wives, the Prophet (peace be upon him) did not allow it because of who the second wife was and how it would affect Fatima (may Allah be pleased with her). He knew the two of them wouldn’t be good co-wives, and for that reason, denied the marriage. We should all follow this example. The match of the two women should be considered up front, not as an afterthought. The point of polygyny is to strengthen families and communities. Bringing in another wife who would do nothing but cause problems does the opposite: weaken families and lead to divorce (which we all know is the least liked of all lawful things).
Having multiple wives is a big responsibility, and it shouldn’t be done just because you can. Men should consider themselves, their first wives, their children, their communities and the example it would set for others before taking such a step. It seems many men are in love with the idea of a second wife without being firmly grounded in the responsibility and gravity of it. It isn’t just about marrying another attractive sister. It’s about being ready—in more ways than the obvious—to undertake a major responsibility. Done right, polygyny can lead to a bounty of blessings. Done wrong, it can cause a lot of pain. The pain is what led me to write this article. May the blessings be the cause of the next.
To read more from Nadirah Angail, visit her website
As Salaamu Alaikum,
Sister you are wise beyond your years. The subject is a touchy one however we must remember as women who we serve. I have been married to a wonderful man for 12 years (approaching 13) and there are two of us. We have never had any major problems. We speak to each other when necessary (janazaah’s, family events, emergencies), etc. We are not holding hands skipping to the local mall however we are not acting like crazy people in front of any masjid/Islamic center (like I have witnessed some of us do).
Allah allows it and we must decide if it is right for us or not. If it is not right for you stay clear. If it is right for you enjoy!
Assalaamualiakum,
The article is well written and delivered, Alhamdullilah. Thank you for the Hadith support, but I would like to respectfully also add the Quran ayat for this permission (Yusuf Ali translation) . We must also remember that during the time of Muhammad the Prophet (pbuh), having and/or marrying more than one women was the norm, Islam put a cap on the number and gave equal treatment to the women, regardless of their status.
For me the word Orphan is any unmarried woman without a, Protector, maintainer or provider, not the Orphan in English language, meaning a child without parents.
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Quran 4:3 If you fear that you should not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if you fear that you should not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.
Sister, please explain the picture in your article… i find it offensive as it gives the impression of a bomb ready to explode.. that is just my take of it.
I like that the brother gave this verse from the Quran Quran 4:3 If you fear that you should not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if you fear that you should not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.
People forget a very important fact, that the first wife must AGREE to the husband taking another, a man must be just and EQUAL…no we ALL know in this society it is very difficult for most men to give each wife a house equally as beautiful, each wife equal amount of attention and the list could go on, between work and other activities i dont think anyone can argue that getting into this type of situation is a healthy thing for either parties. People do not understand the reason that the Prophet (SAW) did this was to unite tribes, and bring peace, is that one of the sole goals of these men? The other thing is men tend to drift to a second wife dua to attraction, like the muslim brother above stated if it is not for one of those reasons then it should not be done, the only time a man can marry a woman out of physical attraction is when he chooses his first wife and after that it should be for one of the above reasons. This is such a touchy topic but once again i feel that people take from the sunnah and make it convinient to what they want it to be without having true knowledge. If you look at the most learned people in Islam today they themselves would tell you they wouldnt even approach their wives about a second one! Allahu Alim may Allah guide you all in the straight path and give you all Jannah al firdous.
Salaams
As Salaamu Alaikum,
The husband has to be equitable. People are not alike or have the same needs or desires. One wife may have children the other may not. One wife maybe older and already has her property from a deceased husband. He is suppose to be able to provide. This is topic that needs to be discussed when the proposal is made.
As Salaam Alaikium,
Sister, your comment on the first wife must AGREE has been very hot point of contention. Would you please give the readers your understanding and documentation on where this was mandated.
Shukran
Muslim Brother,
Wow, when I uploaded this picture, it was small and I didn’t see the detail. I wasn’t aware of the bombs on the children. I was not trying to give that impression. I’ll change it. Thanks for pointing that out.
What a great reminder! As a brother, you can easily fantasize about being involved in a polygamous relationship, but there is a great amount of responsibility in marrying another wife. You mention several important points brothers forget about: 1 The Prophet (pbuh) was married 25 years to one wife. 2. The Prophet (pbuh) married multiple wives once Khadija his first wife passed away. These circumstance definitley should alter the way we look at the Sunnah.
I agree with many of the previous comments that this is well written and I find that I share your perceptions in virtually every instance. I have often pondered the benefit of Polygamous marriage, knowing that what Allah permits is beneficial for us and what is haram is harmful for us. I think the point that you made, that what is permissible is not always necessary is a great point worthy of reflection. I think that indeed there is great benefit in it for all involved but that the benefit is only accessible after certain prerequisites are met, a certain level of personal and spiritual development that is desirable for the believer to achieve before engaging in it.
The single passage in the Qur’an dealing directly with the topic of polygamy is in Surah 4 Verse 3:
And if you fear that YOU cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to YOU, two and three and four; but if YOU fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one or what your right hands possess; this is more proper, that YOU may not deviate from the right course.
I capitalized all the “YOU’s” to show a point. The Qur’an is the absolute word of Allah(S.W.T.). He doesn’t make mistakes. The word “YOU” is responding to the man intrested in marriage. This is a right that is fully up to the discretion of the man. No matter who has a negative opinion. This is halal from Allah(S.W.T.) The verse says marry women that seem good to the HUSBAND(nothing about women’s opinion.) And if the HUSBAND feels he can’t do justice marry one. I would hope that any muslim man that gets married with a second, third, or fourth wife would plan to do justice. Islam enjoins good and forbids evil.
Salaam
“Prophet” Muhammad was married to Khadijah for only 10 years. Muhammad ibn Abdullah was married to Khadijah for 15 years prior. The lessons we learn from their marriage is many.
Monogamy is only one facet of this beautiful marriage..but lets take the other facts as well….during the first 15 years he was not a Prophet,.a Younger Man older woman, she proposed to him, she employed him and had the wealth.
In his marriage in Polygamy, his first wife had passed, he was the Prophet, he was older and the women were of various ages…the women were offered or selected by him, after the polygyny ayat, he alone was allowed more than 4 wives…he had the wealth.
Let us follow the full excellent model of Muhammad the Prophet, as well as take heed of his life as Muhammad Ibn Abdullah.
AsSalaamualaikum – this topic is heavy! Here is a story to make it light.
I was walking through the jungle one day and I over heard a lioness scolding a lion for wanting to take another wife.
The lioness was complaining on how there was already not enough food in the jungle, the lake was low and water was scarce, how she didn’t want to be left alone with the cubs and how if the lion took another wife, she wanted to be able to roam the entire jungle and eat the best meat first.
The Lion shooked his head and roared..then said to the lioness.. i’m only doing what comes natural to me.
*Moral of the story..we can’t make Haram what Allah has made Halal.
These single brothers in our community need to step up or else the married brothers will have to take it a step up. We can’t have single women in our ummah and have a strong ummah.
Very good article Nadirah! Continued blessings!
first of all…what do Allah say in the qur’an……one if you only knew…….the prophet didn’t desire to have more then one wife…he had a clear reason to have more then one…..one reason is that the men were killed in battle and left there family behind….and i think he didn’t have sex with all those woman that he (supported ) when the prophet supported those other woman and there children that in itself was a form of charity
As Salaam Alaikum Sister,
“one if you only knew”
this is a myth.. no where in the Quran – english or arabic does it say this.
As Salamu Alaikum,
I must say this is the first time I have read an article concerning Polygyny that explains the manners in which it should be handled correctly. Alhumduliah sis this is well done. Saddly some people cannot see past their own wills and desires even when the QURAN is a guide, HADITHS and The Life of Prophet Muhammad (saw). Insha Allah I pray that the men do better in this area. Grwoing up the examples I seen were very distasteful. And from the result of that, many of the young women grew up with non interest and improper understanding becuase of the image being displayed. The Quran is surely a guide for us in everything we need clarity on. And The Life of the Prophet is also a way of life we should try to our best ability to imitate. As you stated very clearly many ways the Prophet delt with his wives. Allah says men are to be kind to thier wives. Someone told me a while back, that men seeking a wife like Khadijah (RA) She be living a life like the Prpohet Muhammad (saw). To not take your wifes feelings into consideration is complete Arrogance and intentionaly not trying to keep peace. Why would you not try and deal with your affairs as the examples show you from the life of the Prophet. He is in all ways the best Pattern to follow. Shukran for sharing sis. Great Job!!
As Salaam Alaikum
Sis. Nadirah, I always enjoy your writing and You-tube postings. You have really “nailed” this subject. If only we would all start using and hearing with our hearts the words of Qu-ran and not innovate (using our own intrepretations) , I think things will be much clearer to us. May Allah grant us his mercy and clarity.
Shukran sister for a job well done!
ASA, your views and feelings are your own and no person can tell you how to feel. You are very brave and intelligent. The correct spelling is: polygamy. Salaams.
ASA, polygyny has more to do with the animal mating system, not multiple marriage partners. For humans it is usually referred to as polygamy, hence the spelling correction. Salaams.
Polygamy is the common word people use, but that word can apply to males and females. Of course, a woman can’t have more than one husband, so the correct word is polygyny, which means men having more than one wife.
mashallah beautifully presented…all i would like to add is to the brothers who wish to act upon this sunnah is represent it with best moral conduct, with compassion,kindness and consideration..follow also how our prophet treated his wives..is that not also a ‘sunnah’..just marrying a 2nd 3th 4th..is not a sunnah thats complete if you do not also apply the way RasoolAllah treated his wives.. you love Allaah’s Rasool then you will be the best in representing this sunnah..
sofia August 28, 2010
mashallah beautifully presented…all i would like to add is to the brothers who wish to act upon this sunnah is represent it with best moral conduct, with compassion,kindness and consideration..follow also how our prophet treated his wives..is that not also a ’sunnah’..just marrying a 2nd 3th 4th..is not a sunnah thats complete if you do not also apply the way RasoolAllah treated his wives.. you love Allaah’s Rasool then you will be the best in representing this sunnah..
Well put Sr. Sofia. I would like to add that the way verses pertaining to this sunna have been traditionally misinterpreted plus male – biased culture from the Muslim-city/states have all added to to brothers not really being concerned with behaving in the best manner conforming to the complete sunna as practiced by our Divinely-rightly guided leader, Rasululah Muhammad(saw).
As with Islam, we Muslims still have a long way to go especially with polygyny. Articles like this and the comments will help.
As-Salaam-Alaikum! To be honest and truthful speaking we know why these so call Muslim men choose Polygyny for sex and mistreat their wives and put burned on them more than they can bear. Which is not Al-Qur’an nor the Sunnah.
We can not add nor take from the Al-Qur’an we have to follow it to the letter or don’t follow it at all. We know what is hateful and distasteful in the sight of ALLAH.
And for those so call Muslims who take the word Orphan meaning young girls 6 and up to married and having sex with them before they are old enough to know what you are actually doing to them. Is sick and disgraceful and we don’t need the holy books of ALLAH to tell us so. Your G-D given pure nature tell you so.
As Salaamu Alaikum Sister Nadirah, This article is very well written, Mash’Allah for your source of the Quran and the Prophets Muhammad (pbuh) reasons for marriage great examples. You points are very well taken. I used to have a distaste in my mouth when hearing the word Polygamy. Not really understanding its true context until now. Thank you for shedding some light on the topic. Once again great points. Keep up the great work. May Allah (swt) reward you.